It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone

 

Ego 3Robin Dreeke is head of the FBI’s Counterintelligence Behavioral Analysis  Program.

In his book It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone he simply and  clearly spells out methods for connecting with people.

Here’s a quick breakdown of the methods.

1)  Establish artificial time  constraints

Nobody wants to feel trapped in an awkward conversation with a stranger.

Robin often begins a conversation with something along the lines of “I’m on  my way out but before I left I wanted to ask you…”

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

Have you ever been sitting in a bar, an airport,  a library, or browsing in a bookstore when a stranger tried to start a  conversation with you? Did you feel awkward or on your guard? The conversation  itself is not necessarily what caused the discomfort. The discomfort was induced  because you didn’t know when or if it would end. For this reason, the first step  in the process of developing great rapport and having great conversations is  letting the other person know that there is an end in sight, and it is really  close.

2) Make Sure Your Body Language is In Sync

Make sure your words and body language are aligned and both are  non-threatening.

A simple smile is the most powerful nonverbal technique, as Dale Carnegie let us  know.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

When you walk into a room with a bunch of  strangers, are you naturally drawn to those who look angry and upset or those  with smiles and laughing? Smiling is the number one nonverbal technique you  should utilize to look more accommodating. In Dale Carnegie’s book, “How to Win Friends and Influence  People” it is principle number two of six.

3) Speak Slowly

Quick speech can sound nervous and jumpy, not confident. Crazy people speak  quickly; self-assured people speak slowly.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

When individuals speak slowly and clearly, they  tend to sound more credible than those who speak quickly.

ego3

4) Ask For Help

When a request is small, we naturally feel a connection to those who ask us  for help.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

Have you ever felt a pang of guilt for turning  down someone seeking help? I have personally found that there is no greater  theme and tool for eliciting individuals for action, information, and a great  conversation than the use of sympathy or assistance. Think for a moment about  the times in your life when you have either sought assistance or been asked to  provide it. When the request is simple, of limited duration, and  non-threatening, we are more inclined to accommodate the request. As human  beings, we are biologically conditioned to accommodate requests for  assistance.

5) Suspend Your Ego

Avoid correcting people or anything that could be interpreted as  one-upmanship.

Just listen. You don’t need to tell your story; just encourage them  to keep telling theirs.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

Suspending your ego is nothing more complex than  putting other individuals’ wants, needs, and perceptions of reality ahead of  your own. Most times, when two individuals engage in a conversation, each  patiently waits for the other person to be done with whatever story he or she is  telling. Then, the other person tells his or her own story, usually on a related  topic and often times in an attempt to have a better and more interesting story.  Individuals practicing good ego suspension would continue to encourage the other  individual to talk about his or her story, neglecting their own need to  share what they think is a great story… Those individuals who allow others  to continue talking without taking their own turn are generally regarded as the  best conversationalists. These individuals are also sought after when friends or  family need someone to listen without judgment. They are the best at building  quick and lasting rapport.

6) Validate Others

The simplest way to do this is to listen.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

The simplest validation that can be given to  another individual is simply listening. The action doesn’t require any proactive  effort aside from the incessant need each of us has to tell our own story…

The difficulty most of us have is keeping from  interjecting our own thoughts, ideas, and stories during the conversation. True  validation coupled with ego suspension means that you have no story to offer,  that you are there simply to hear theirs.

7) Ask: How? When? Why?

Ask open-ended questions.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

One of the key concepts that every great  interviewer or conversationalist knows is to ask open ended questions. Open  ended questions are ones that don’t require a simple yes or no answer. They are  generally questions that require more words and thought. Once the individual  being targeted in the conversation supplies more words and thought, a great  conversationalist will utilize the content given and continue to ask open ended  questions about the same content. The entire time, the individual being targeted  is the one supplying the content of the conversation.

Dreeke also recommends using a number of standard FBI active listening  techniques you can read about here.

8) Quid Pro Quo

Some people don’t speak much. Other times you listen too well and people feel  self-conscious about talking so much.

In these two cases it’s good to give a piece of personal information for  every one they reveal to get a flow going.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

In my experiences, there are really only two  types of situations where I have utilized quid pro quo. The first and more  common of the instances is when you attempt to converse with someone who is  either very introverted, guarded, or both. The second instance is when the  person you are conversing with suddenly becomes very aware about how much they  have been speaking, and they suddenly feel awkward. In both instances,  giving a little information about you will help alleviate some of the  issues.

9) Give A Gift

Reciprocation is deeply wired into human  nature. When you offer people something, they will naturally feel the need  to help you in return.

Doesn’t have to be a big box with a bow on it. Offering someone anything,  tangible or not, counts.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

Most people would feel badly if they received a  gift and forgot to say or send a thank you note to the giver.  When someone  does you a favor you most likely want to reciprocate with gratitude. Great  rapport builders and conversationalists use this desire proactively during every  conversation. This technique, coupled with ego suspension, are the cornerstones  for building great relationships. This is also the easiest technique to utilize,  because gifts come in many forms, from non-material compliments, to tangible  material gifts.

ego1

10) Managing Your Own Expectations

If you don’t manage your expectations properly it can lead to disappointment,  resentment and anger.

Play it cool. Focus on the other person’s needs and don’t let your  expectations rise.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

When we are able to shift or manage our  expectations, we reduce potential disappointment. When we are disappointed, we  sometimes get angry and may even hold grudges and get hurt feelings. These  emotions are not conducive to healthy or long term relationships. These emotions  are definitely not conducive to developing quick rapport. The best technique to  avoid these emotions is to manage expectations.

A number of the 10 methods are similar to those espoused by other FBI  specialists I have interviewed, including former head of international  hostage negotiation, Chris Voss, and FBI  profiler Jim Clemente.

The Right Attitude

And what does Robin say is the best attitude to take when trying to build  rapport? Make sure the other person walks away better for having met  you.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

Before I use these techniques or send any class  out to practice these techniques, I remind myself and them of one everlasting  rule that will dramatically increase your probability of success; it is all  about them. The only goal I have either for myself or the individuals I teach is  that in every interaction the other person should walk away feeling much better  for having met you. You should brighten their day and listen to them when no one  else will. Build that connection where others wouldn’t and you will have  mastered both conversations and quick rapport.

Join 45K+ readers. Get a free weekly update via  email here.

Related posts:

The top FBI hostage negotiator  teaches you the art of persuasion

Persuasion expert Robert Cialdini explains the  best ways to influence people

6 hostage negotiation techniques that will get  you what you want

The post Top 10 FBI Behavioral Unit Techniques For Building Rapport With  Anyone appeared first on Barking Up The  Wrong Tree

Read more:  http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/bakadesuyo/~3/fdY4QWj3EGo/#ixzz2l7IO5L7U

Have you ever been sitting in a bar, an airport,  a library, or browsing in a bookstore when a stranger tried to start a  conversation with you? Did you feel awkward or on your guard? The conversation  itself is not necessarily what caused the discomfort. The discomfort was induced  because you didn’t know when or if it would end. For this reason, the first step  in the process of developing great rapport and having great conversations is  letting the other person know that there is an end in sight, and it is really  close.

2) Make Sure Your Body Language is In Sync

Make sure your words and body language are aligned and both are  non-threatening.

A simple smile is the most powerful nonverbal technique, as Dale Carnegie let us  know.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

When you walk into a room with a bunch of  strangers, are you naturally drawn to those who look angry and upset or those  with smiles and laughing? Smiling is the number one nonverbal technique you  should utilize to look more accommodating. In Dale Carnegie’s book, “How to Win Friends and Influence  People” it is principle number two of six.

3) Speak Slowly

Quick speech can sound nervous and jumpy, not confident. Crazy people speak  quickly; self-assured people speak slowly.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

When individuals speak slowly and clearly, they  tend to sound more credible than those who speak quickly.

4) Ask For Help

When a request is small, we naturally feel a connection to those who ask us  for help.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

Have you ever felt a pang of guilt for turning  down someone seeking help? I have personally found that there is no greater  theme and tool for eliciting individuals for action, information, and a great  conversation than the use of sympathy or assistance. Think for a moment about  the times in your life when you have either sought assistance or been asked to  provide it. When the request is simple, of limited duration, and  non-threatening, we are more inclined to accommodate the request. As human  beings, we are biologically conditioned to accommodate requests for  assistance.

5) Suspend Your Ego

Avoid correcting people or anything that could be interpreted as  one-upmanship.

Just listen. You don’t need to tell your story; just encourage them  to keep telling theirs.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

Suspending your ego is nothing more complex than  putting other individuals’ wants, needs, and perceptions of reality ahead of  your own. Most times, when two individuals engage in a conversation, each  patiently waits for the other person to be done with whatever story he or she is  telling. Then, the other person tells his or her own story, usually on a related  topic and often times in an attempt to have a better and more interesting story.  Individuals practicing good ego suspension would continue to encourage the other  individual to talk about his or her story, neglecting their own need to  share what they think is a great story… Those individuals who allow others  to continue talking without taking their own turn are generally regarded as the  best conversationalists. These individuals are also sought after when friends or  family need someone to listen without judgment. They are the best at building  quick and lasting rapport.

6) Validate Others

The simplest way to do this is to listen.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

The simplest validation that can be given to  another individual is simply listening. The action doesn’t require any proactive  effort aside from the incessant need each of us has to tell our own story…

The difficulty most of us have is keeping from  interjecting our own thoughts, ideas, and stories during the conversation. True  validation coupled with ego suspension means that you have no story to offer,  that you are there simply to hear theirs.

7) Ask: How? When? Why?

Ask open-ended questions.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

One of the key concepts that every great  interviewer or conversationalist knows is to ask open ended questions. Open  ended questions are ones that don’t require a simple yes or no answer. They are  generally questions that require more words and thought. Once the individual  being targeted in the conversation supplies more words and thought, a great  conversationalist will utilize the content given and continue to ask open ended  questions about the same content. The entire time, the individual being targeted  is the one supplying the content of the conversation.

Dreeke also recommends using a number of standard FBI active listening  techniques you can read about here.

8) Quid Pro Quo

Some people don’t speak much. Other times you listen too well and people feel  self-conscious about talking so much.

In these two cases it’s good to give a piece of personal information for  every one they reveal to get a flow going.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

In my experiences, there are really only two  types of situations where I have utilized quid pro quo. The first and more  common of the instances is when you attempt to converse with someone who is  either very introverted, guarded, or both. The second instance is when the  person you are conversing with suddenly becomes very aware about how much they  have been speaking, and they suddenly feel awkward. In both instances,  giving a little information about you will help alleviate some of the  issues.

9) Give A Gift

Reciprocation is deeply wired into human  nature. When you offer people something, they will naturally feel the need  to help you in return.

Doesn’t have to be a big box with a bow on it. Offering someone anything,  tangible or not, counts.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

Most people would feel badly if they received a  gift and forgot to say or send a thank you note to the giver.  When someone  does you a favor you most likely want to reciprocate with gratitude. Great  rapport builders and conversationalists use this desire proactively during every  conversation. This technique, coupled with ego suspension, are the cornerstones  for building great relationships. This is also the easiest technique to utilize,  because gifts come in many forms, from non-material compliments, to tangible  material gifts.

10) Managing Your Own Expectations

If you don’t manage your expectations properly it can lead to disappointment,  resentment and anger.

Play it cool. Focus on the other person’s needs and don’t let your  expectations rise.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

When we are able to shift or manage our  expectations, we reduce potential disappointment. When we are disappointed, we  sometimes get angry and may even hold grudges and get hurt feelings. These  emotions are not conducive to healthy or long term relationships. These emotions  are definitely not conducive to developing quick rapport. The best technique to  avoid these emotions is to manage expectations.

A number of the 10 methods are similar to those espoused by other FBI  specialists I have interviewed, including former head of international  hostage negotiation, Chris Voss, and FBI  profiler Jim Clemente.

The Right Attitude

And what does Robin say is the best attitude to take when trying to build  rapport? Make sure the other person walks away better for having met  you.

Via It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top  Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone:

Before I use these techniques or send any class  out to practice these techniques, I remind myself and them of one everlasting  rule that will dramatically increase your probability of success; it is all  about them. The only goal I have either for myself or the individuals I teach is  that in every interaction the other person should walk away feeling much better  for having met you. You should brighten their day and listen to them when no one  else will. Build that connection where others wouldn’t and you will have  mastered both conversations and quick rapport.

Join 45K+ readers. Get a free weekly update via  email here.

Related posts:

The top FBI hostage negotiator  teaches you the art of persuasion

Persuasion expert Robert Cialdini explains the  best ways to influence people

6 hostage negotiation techniques that will get  you what you want

The post Top 10 FBI Behavioral Unit Techniques For Building Rapport With  Anyone appeared first on Barking Up The  Wrong Tree

Read more:  http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/bakadesuyo/~3/fdY4QWj3EGo/#ixzz2l7IO5L7U

bus 1

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s